The First Five

Now that I've waited so long to update my blog it feels like the first couple months were a fantastic blur so I will try to recount the memories/events as best as I can. I know I'll be missing a lot of little stuff but once I catch up it will be a bit more detailed from then on. I'm also trying to fit in almost 5 months worth of stuff...here goes!

Our first night home was probably the most memorable night for me. Landon was an angel in the hospital - this is no exaggeration. He was (and still is) one of the most content babies I have ever met in my life so when it came to our first night at home I seriously questioned who the heck this baby was that we brought home! We went home on a Friday after driving over an hour home in a snow storm. I could barely move from the pain of my C-section, my breasts were the size of Texas, and I was exhausted. We got settled in and gave Landon a sponge bath and got him into his pajamas. Everything was going so well - it was a relief. It's so different coming home for the first time since you get used to having lots of help in the hospital so the real work begins when you get home.... 

So speaking of Texas, this happened to be the night that my milk first came in and when it was time for Landon to eat after being all snuggly and clean it was a little rough. He had a hard time keeping up with the supply but he finished, burped, and was all swaddled and ready for bed- or so we thought. Shortly after swaddling him, he starts to cry.... and poor Andy is trying to calm him.... and then Landon proceeds to throw up a few times and simultaneously have a blowout in his diaper. Who the heck is this baby!!?? I swear it was a scene from poltergeist! Very memorable indeed. Up until he was probably about 3 months old this was our worst night on record since it took awhile to calm him and get him to sleep but looking back it really wasn't that bad! Andy was certainly a trooper and poor Landon didn't know what to do with this new form of food!

The first two months or so were pretty uneventful as I spent 95% of my time on the couch, but it was nice to snuggle with my baby and get to know each other. It was too painful to move and Landon ate so often it was pointless to leave the couch. Andy went back to work on Tuesday of the next week and Andy's mom, Linda, came to stay with me for the next week.  My mom, Lorna, came the third week from Virginia. I don't know what I would have done without Andy and the Grandmas. They cooked for me, helped me get around, and watched Landon so I could nap. I definitely didn't nap enough when he napped - lesson learned. When they say nap when the baby naps, they aren't kidding! Landon was up every hour in the middle of the night to eat - I was a zombie for probably a good 7 weeks! I'm not sure how it goes for formula fed newborns but Landon ate so often it was unreal. Breast milk metabolizes faster than formula so I expected to be feeding him often - but I was not prepared for Landon's version of often. I have nicknamed him Baby Hippo for this reason as well as the fact that he gained a lot of weight very quickly! He was a little peanut when he was born (6lb 12 oz) and he lost weight by the time we left the hospital (6 lb 2.5 oz). By his first pediatrician appointment (three days after we went home)  he had gained 6 oz! 

                                                                Grandma Lorna 

It was difficult to go anywhere for awhile because I wasn't sure how it would go with nursing Landon in public. It took several weeks for us to become pros at nursing and let me tell you - it's not easy- (PS this is where I talk about breastfeeding so if you are squeemish or don't care to hear, I'd skip this section). I feel as though it is necessary that share this experience because I hope that it helps others who are nursing and are having problems. I knew I wanted to breastfeed from the moment I got pregnant and I was willing to do anything and everything I could to make it work. I read several books and many different websites in order to ensure that I was prepared and I knew it was going to be hard - but no one tells you exactly how hard it is. I could easily see how women could get discouraged and quit - it's a full time job- but I am glad I kept truckin'. I had every nursing problem in the book - cracked nipple, yeast (but not Thrush surprisingly), a clogged duct, and mastitis. It was painful - so painful that every time he would latch I cried. Nothing seemed to help. I tried Lanolin and Lansinoh, and cooling gel packs that the hospital gave me but it didn't work. Finally I called the lactation consultant from the hospital and she talked me through a few topical suggestions - she suggested I use hydrocortisone/bacitracin to prevent infection on the cracked side and if that didn't work try to rinse them after every feeding and use olive oil to heal it. So essentially I spent the first 5 weeks topless around my house. Andy certainly didn't mind!

At around 5 weeks, however, things were only improving slightly so I went to go see the lactation consultant in person and thank goodness I did! She's an angel I swear! She gave me a nipple shield (a plastic type nipple that goes over yours to protect it and help with latch)  and some advice on other nursing positions. I ended up olive-oiling and pumping (talk about exhausting) the cracked side until it healed and things were mostly smooth sailing from there. I am leaving out a lot of the nitty gritty details of course, but this was the overall gist. It was hard - and it literally sucked. I strongly encourage those who have problems to SEEK HELP!! It seems as though it should be the most natural thing on the planet for a mother to nurse her baby but really it's not always that easy - if it was easy for you, then GOOD FOR YOU, lol!! Anyway, now I love it! I don't have to prepare bottles in the middle of the night or lug any around with me or clean them. I don't have to buy expensive formula (that I can't afford anyway) and worry that he's getting the proper nutrients. I highly suggest trying - at least for a little while if you can (this is the only topic I'll ever really get preachy about FYI). Landon is almost 6 months old and we are still going strong. I plan to nurse until he turns one - although did you know the World Health Organization actually recommends nursing until the age of two??? 

Ok, enough of that... ugh looking at all these pictures of him being so tiny just melts my heart. I love talking about and sharing pictures of my little peanut! Much of this blog will probably end up as an endless procession of pictures- beware. Opa Kurt and Grandpa Bruce/Grandma Linda are pictured to the right. We tried to get out and about when we could but since it was winter we ended up staying inside most of the time. It was nerve wrecking to be going out, too, because I was afraid people would try to touch him during flu season, lol. Oh the nerves of a first time mom :)

Fortunately, during the first couple months Landon had so many visitors that we didn't need to go too far! We are so lucky to have such a great network of friends and family members. I am so thankful for them everyday. Landon was so alert as a newborn it was as though he didn't want to miss a thing. He LOVED staring at the ceiling fan and was always alert when people would come by to see him. He didn't mind being passed around and loved listening to whoever was holding him. I'm glad I'm not one of those super anal moms who is afraid to let people hold their baby - although I will say I wouldn't let strangers hold him or touch him or breathe on him. 

Very early on Landon loved to chat. He would just babble away and smile at everything and everyone. This is TRULY heartwarming the first time you see your baby interact this way. It's amazing how quickly they begin to change physically and hit their milestones. Time really does fly... 

Milestones 0-3 months

Landon rolled from tummy to back at around 2 1/2 months- he hated tummy time as most babies do. He loved his little play gym and it was great to see him reach for things and manipulate them with his new found fingers! During this time he loved sitting in his swing, watching Baby Einstein, cuddling with mom, and cuddling with dad while he played Xbox.

I believe it was around 3 months or so when Landon started to sleep about 4 hours at a time at night. For awhile he would get up every 2-3 hours to eat and go back to sleep so when he started sleeping longer it was like heaven. "Sleeping through the night" is technically 5-6 hours in one stretch - which is garbage! My version of sleeping through the night would be like 8! Luckily he does that now but man those first couple months were a little brutal. Although, I will say that once I discovered the side-laying nursing position at night I felt like a million bucks in the morning! Also, sleepwise, he can fall asleep and stay asleep in loud places and he almost always falls asleep in the car. For these two things I am incredibly grateful and I hope that they don't change!

 I decided to put him in his crib at 3 months as he was outgrowing the bassinet at my bedside. The first couple of nights in his crib were rough on me. I hated that I couldn't hear him breathe and his bedroom was very chilly (poor house circulation). I got up at least a dozen times to make sure he was still breathing and that he wasn't too cold. I admit I still do this but not as often. I'm not sure that it will really ever go away - my hubby thinks I'm crazy but I'm ok with it.

Speaking of crazy, I am now totally that mom who cries over everything. I will blame it on the hormones but damn! I cry when he gets shots or does something new. I even cry when I read him certain books like "Wherever You Are" and "The Giving Tree." I cry reading other people's birth stories and watching Disney movies, it's just ridiculous!
Who am I??

Milestones 4-5 months
Right after his 4 month appointment Landon decided it was time to roll over from back to belly and has not stopped since. At around 5 months he started to actually roll onto his belly to sleep - which completely freaked me out! Everything you read/hear about getting your baby to sleep insists that they sleep on their backs and I was very diligent about this to prevent SIDS. It didn't help that the first time he slept on his tummy he slept a solid 10 hours...talk about freaked out! I knew he was strong enough to roll back over and lift his head well enough but it continues to freak me out occasionally. I know this is just one of the first of many things that will make me sick with worry!                                                          

Nowadays it's hard to keep up with him and I know this is just the beginning. He started scooting a few weeks ago and rolling everywhere he wants to go. Right now his movement is either side to side or backwards. Much of the time he's doing a downward dog and rocking back and forth. Reaching for toys is new and he has started to protest if you take something away from him. He can also hold his own bottle (expressed milk) or his own boob while he eats and is very impatient when it's time to eat. Trying to burp him is always an interesting experience because he's either still hungry and wants to eat more (and gets mad!) or he tries to wiggle away and go play. It's almost impossible to keep his hands out of his mouth and has been for a couple months due to teething. Last night we actually felt a sharp little toother trying to poke through - guess that would explain his recent crabbiness. I tried to look for it but he won't move his little tongue off his gums and then he just gets mad that I try to open his mouth and look inside. Using the nasal aspirator when necessary also elicits the same reaction - he arches his back and shakes his head back and forth like he's being tortured. 

Over the past several weeks we have also begun solid foods which I make at home. So far we have tried rice cereal, banana, avocado, sweet potato, pear and zucchini. He has a love/hate relationship with banana and avocado depending on their ripeness and he loves sweet potato and pear. We tried zucchini yesterday and he wasn't a fan, but we'll try it again and hopefully he gets used to it! This may be one of those veggies I have to mask with something sweet. Making it at home is very easy and cheaper.  I'm glad that I decided to do it. Having a Baby Bullet helps tremendously although a food processor would work just as well. I absolutely love it! I usually make a big batch, freeze in ice cube trays and put them in a freezer bag and label it. It really isn't as time consuming as I expected.

Landon's favorite things lately have been;  bath time, his hands for munching, anyone else's hands for munching, the exersaucer, Baby Einstein, Finding Nemo, peek-aboo,  skyping with grandma, his blue hippo car seat toy, hungry hungry caterpillar plush and a few other toys that rattle or catch his eye. He also loves mommy's phone and any remote/controller he can get his hands on. When daddy gets home Landon is especially all wiggles and giggles. He likes to watch daddy talk and waits for him to look at him and smile. Apparently he thinks daddy is really funny (looking) and he loves his scratchy beard.

We have been trying to get out and about now that the weather is nice to see friends and meet other babies. I am going to look into joining a play group as well so that Landon doesn't have to look at my mug all day everyday. He has had the pleasure of meeting several of my friends including a few from out of town that came to visit and we have brought him to the zoo, downtown Chicago, our softball games, and to a pool. We have had an amazing almost 6 months together and I cannot wait to see what adventures we will have as he gets older.

Landon will be 6 months old next Tuesday... good lord the time has flown. And now that I am all caught up I can finally update this blog with current events and "other stories" or ramblings! Thank you for reading :)

 

Birthday

The experience of having a baby and seeing him/her for the first time is unlike anything else in life. I cannot put it into words but I'll tell you our story.

Landon was due on January 17th, 2012, but at the rate we were going I swear he would have come in February. He was clearly too warm and comfortable and frankly I don't blame him. A week before my due date I was barely dilated or effaced and it didn't look like any progress was going to be made anytime soon. I was so ready to be done being pregnant and I was incredibly eager to meet my baby. It was at this appointment that my doctor decides to tell me he will be at a conference out of state from the 19th-24th of January.

Andy and I didn't like the idea of having someone we didn't know deliver our baby - the other doctor in the office would be on call in my doctor's absence. I knew that I could have chosen to see the other doctor for any of my prenatal appointments to get acquainted with him in the event that this would happen but it never worked out with my schedule. He is a fantastic doctor, just like mine, but I wanted my doctor - guaranteed. Even though I wasn't making much progress I had this sinking feeling that I would probably go into labor when my doctor was out of town (Murphy's Law, right!?) so my doctor suggested that we could do an induction on my due date. Andy LOVED this idea because he could plan his days out of the office and schedule his meetings accordingly. I wasn't in love with the idea because I was truly looking forward to the experience of my water breaking and/or having contractions on my own and heading to the hospital, bags packed and ready to go - but this was a guarantee that my doctor would be there... He told us to think about it and let him know as soon as we decided.

We discussed our options and decided that it made the most sense to do the induction. It took a lot of the guesswork out of the whole process and we were ready. On the evening of the 16th we headed to the hospital to get settled. The nurse did all the necessary preparations and rather quickly to my surprise. I was all hooked up to be monitored and had Cervidil placed in preparation for the next morning when they would start the pitocin and get the show on the road. We settled in and tried to sleep since that would be our last night of sleep as a family of two.

I believe it was about 6-7 (shift change) when they started the pitocin. I've heard some crazy stories about labor with pitocin - but I felt nothing. They had me on the lowest dosage and as the morning progressed I was only having a few contractions (that I didn't even know I was having) and they had me switch positions often. At one point they came in and told me that the baby's heart rate was dropping slightly. They gave me oxygen and had me switch positions a few more times. At around 11 they decided to stop the pitocin and the baby's heart rate returned to normal. The nurses had been in touch with my doctor and he called around noon to discuss the situation. Apparently my naughty little baby was not liking labor and his heart rate was dropping too low during each contraction. My doctor felt as though it would be safer to proceed with a C-section for fear that his heart rate would drop too low if we continued to attempt an induced labor. 

It was at this point that I started getting anxious and slightly upset/disappointed. Call me crazy but I was really looking forward to having him the natural way - but I knew it was best for the baby to proceed with a c-section. I wasn't going to take any chances. My doctor would return to the hospital after his office hours and we would start the procedure then. So we sat for the next five hours watching movies - I needed something to distract myself because my anxiety was steadily increasing. I knew everything there was to know about having a c-section but the whole idea of having major abdominal surgery freaked me out completely. It was also overwhelming to know that my baby would enter the world a little after five o'clock. Holy.Cra-moly. This was really happening. 

                                                      

When the doctor returned we switched rooms and I received my spinal (OUCH). Andy was then able to come into the room and as soon as I saw him I started to tear up - I was so relieved to see him. It was the strangest feeling being numb from the chest down - I could feel pressure while they prepped me and I probably asked them five times if I'm going to feel the incision since I could feel the pressure. At a certain point I was told they had already begun, phew!!! Then I felt like I couldn't breathe since the anesthesia numbed my diaphragm and I couldn't feel it expand or contract. Everyone reassured me that all my vitals were perfect and everything was ok. The doctors, anesthesiologist and the rest of the staff were so supportive and funny. I was relieved that they all worked so well together and   were trying to lighten the mood to make me more comfortable but I was still nauseas and overwhelmed. It turned out that Landon was facing forward instead of back so I am grateful we did the C-section. Had we decided to continue induced labor, I could have labored for several hours and then would have had to do an emergency C-section. 

At 5:14 pm on January 17th Landon entered the world weighing 6 lb 12 oz and was 19 3/4 inches. Andy was taking pictures of his "arrival" and the first thing I asked was if he had ten fingers and ten toes. He wasn't crying at first because he was getting suctioned (meconium) but as soon as I heard that first cry I couldn't control myself. They suctioned, assessed, wrapped and brought him over to me so that I could see him for the first time. The picture still brings me to tears. He was practically perfect in every way. 

Our meeting was, however, very brief and he was whisked away to the nursery. They stole my husband as well and I was left there to be put back together again. I was taken to my post partum room and for the next hour my vitals were being monitored and the nurses helped me when I got sick. It wasn't until almost 7:30 when I saw Andy again and nearly 8:00 when I got to hold my baby for the first time, skin to skin, and attempt his first "meal." Thank goodness for nurses  that helped with latching and positioning! I couldn't move even if I had tried. That night, and every night, in the hospital was great. Landon was so incredibly content to eat and sleep and open his eyes to meet friends and family that came to visit. Our entire hospital experience was great in every way. The nurses and techs were wonderful and the lactation consultant spent a lot of time with me. He did pretty well latching but it was exhausting and painful. More on that another time. 

We took him home on Friday during a snow storm and did so well in the car. It felt great to be home and get settled in with our new little bundle of joy. My recovery, however, did not go so well. I was in a lot of pain and couldn't do anything on my own for quite some time. Every time I took a step it felt like my side was going to split open and I swear it felt like it was actually happening. I couldn't carry my baby anywhere and I couldn't pick him up. Andy had to bring him to me when he got hungry, help me to sit up, dress, shower and change all of his diapers for the first couple weeks. I couldn't laugh/sneeze/cough without crying.

I don't know what I would have done without Andy. I didn't know that it was possible to fall deeper in love with my husband until we became a family of three.

Despite all the physical pain I experienced during my recovery I can honestly say that I've never felt so amazing. My heart was overflowing with love for my little baby and for my husband. I know it sounds cliche - but I never knew a love like that existed and it continues to grow exponentially each and every day. 

Expecting

This love story begins with a rocky start but it definitely has a fantastic ending. I took not one, but three pregnancy tests and cried. I felt guilty, irresponsible, selfish, and overwhelmed. Maybe it was the hormones, I'm not sure, but  one day Andy turned to me and said, " You don't want my baby?" At first I thought he was kidding since that was absurd to even question and then quickly realized that he was serious. I had been so worried about myself (ugh) that I wasn't even aware of how my husband felt. I did want his baby, more than anything..one day. I've always felt as though he'd be an amazing father and was looking forward to that time in our lives. It was at this point that I realized that it's ok...it's ok that 'one day' is now.

Andy took the day off to go with me to the Dr's office for my first official prenatal appointment. He was so excited that he literally took pictures of me getting into the car, walking into the building, coming out of the bathroom after peeing in a cup, getting weighed, etc. It felt so surreal. When I told my doctor the story about why I didn't take my pill since I had seen him for my annual appointment a few weeks ago he laughed and said , "Ha joke's on you!" and pointed to my belly. He's a funny guy and a great doctor but of course I didn't think it was that funny. I just smiled and said "yeah," sheepishly. And I'm not sure what I was expecting, but at no point did they take a pregnancy test to be sure. They took my vitals, my blood and said "Congrats!" For some reason I was still slightly in denial, after all, they didn't even take a test! How do they know I'm pregnant for sure!? My due date was set for January 17, 2012. 

On the way to the doctor and my first "bump pic" at 6 weeks.

The doctor's office said they would call me and let me know what my HCG levels were and gave me the phone number to schedule my first ultrasound. Sure enough, my HCG levels were normal, if not a little higher than normal. Andy was convinced based on the numbers that we were having twins (they run in my family) and I told him he better bite his tongue! Of course it would be amazing but it was hard enough to wrap my brain around one for goodness sakes! I swear he told all his friends about my levels and told everyone we were having twins. 

It was right around this time that I finally began to feel pregnant (6 weeks).  And let me just say that whoever coined the term "morning sickness" is crazy because the nausea you experience is an all day thing. I had to eat practically every hour or so to try to prevent the nausea. Luckily I never got so nauseas to the point of vomiting, but it was close. I worked in a restaurant at the time and learned quickly that it was the worst for my nausea since I could smell all the food and chemicals all over the place. I was miserable at work feeling so sick and having to pee constantly (thanks expanding uterus putting pressure on my bladder!). I was so utterly exhausted as well that I could barely keep my eyes open all day and would pass out anywhere at night. Andy found me asleep on the floor several times. The worst of it, however, had to be the breast soreness. Most women experience soreness around their time of the month and let me tell you, this was that pain times 1000 and being that I am bigger up top didn't help the situation at all. Any slight bounce or jiggle was horrific - going up stairs, down stairs, walking briskly,etc. 

But enough of that - it all only lasted the text book 12-14 weeks (end of the first trimester) and into the second trimester I felt amazing. 

The second trimester was like the golden age of my pregnancy so we decided in September to take a babymoon since we never went on our honeymoon as newlyweds. We got a good deal on the trip and decided to suck it up financially since this would be our first and only opportunity to go on vacation as a couple. Being pregnant limited the number of activities we were allowed to participate in, but it was great. We ate, slept, swam and sunned in the Riviera Maya - I was a happy preggo. 

As amazing as I felt, I also felt myself getting bigger - everywhere. I was gaining weight very quickly. Up until my pregnancy I hadn't eaten meat in two years and was in decent shape. I had gotten down to my goal weight when I got married so how funny is it that that got shot out of the water!? During my pregnancy I got lazy. I NEVER thought I'd be so lazy, but I was so tired. At the end of my pregnancy I had such intense back back I could barely stand or walk. I still kind of regret not getting my tushy up and out the door to go for a walk on the days I decided to sleep in til all hours of the morning or take 3 hour naps in the afternoon, but oh well! It was the one time in my life that I was able to put my feet up and darn it I was going to take advantage! Had I known that this would result in an almost 60 lb weight gain I may have put down that extra helping of pasta or not made that extra quesadilla. Ooops! I'm usually such a health nut, too, so I, of all people, should know better. Ooops! I started eating meat again (just chicken) because I was too lazy to make tofu or my yummy side dishes of rice and beans and I stopped working out. As a server I was on my feet all the time and as I began to serve less - the bigger I got. That's the amazing thing about a pregnancy bump - it's super cute when there's a baby in there, not so super cute when they are out. (I'm still working on that, ehh). 

Being pregnant did wonders for my skin and hair and I had a great pregnancy, free of any complications. I really have no room to complain! It's not easy growing a little human but it's definitely worth the sickness and soreness (although I didn't appreciate this until post partum). 

At our 20 week ultrasound we decided that we wanted to know the sex of our baby. I probably could have waited until the baby was born to find out but I really wanted to plan.

Looking at all the blobby images on the screen was kind of like a game of "Where's Waldo" except this time it's more like "Where's the genitals!" Luckily, the baby wasn't being shy and the ultrasound tech found exactly what Andy was hoping for - a little baby boy. She labeled my ultrasound "PENIS" next to my son's little man parts. Don't most people get " It's a boy!" or something like that? I WOULD get PENIS. 

I definitely felt closer/more bonded to my baby knowing that it was a boy. I could talk to HIM and sing to HIM and give HIM a name. We decided on Landon - a name that Andy has always loved and wanted to name his first son. I loved this name because it was different. All the popular names were getting so old and overdone so I was thrilled that this name seemed to be more original. (Although this year I'm finding out it's becoming a trendy name, gah!) We had a hard time deciding on a middle name - do we make it a family name or something unique? I looked at a popular names list from the 1800s and came across the name Archer. I fell in love. It was classic and ironically befitting since my husband bow hunts and taught archery. 

                              

Now that I look back, I feel really bad for Andy. I was not quite Preggzilla, but I wanted everything to be perfect before the baby's arrival. Being a man, he didn't (and will never) get this intense urge to nest and will never understand it. I shouldn't have expected him to but darn it he should be able to read my mind, right!!? HA! 

I dragged Andy to baby stores to do our registries. Of course the only way I could keep him entertained was by giving him the scanner (was troublesome when he started scanning things on my body, however) or letting him test drive the strollers down the aisles. He's an engineer, after all, he must test the shocks! He endured my endless questions, " What do you think of this swing, that swing? Play gym? bouncy seat, crib, etc?" The list is never ending for a baby, and eventually I stopped asking when I noticed I'd ask his opinion about little things like socks and onesies. He didn't have any preference as to what his child was going to wear because if Andy had his way Landon would be in the same outfit everyday. I think this is true of most men, they don't care if their kids run out in giant potato sacks, as long as they are dressed. Oy! He was definitely a trooper through all of this although he probably wanted to run and hide from me! He came to and participated in our showers - all three of them. 

Despite having about 10 months to prepare for my new arrival, I often felt as though it was simply not enough time. The internet can be a blessing and a curse during this time as well. I can't tell you how many countless hours I spent on The Bump or Babycenter reading about products, pregnancy questions and member comments discussing these topics. Literally, I got sucked into hours of looking at discussions about crib bumpers, birth plans, breast feeding, genetic testing, car seats and more. I read anything and everything I could about my pregnancy and preparing for this new little human I would be bringing home. A lot of this information, although helpful, is designed to scare the daylights out of you - don't have caffeine, don't use bumpers, do your kick counts - I could go on all day! Everyone wants what's best for their children and everyone thinks the way they do things is right for everyone else. I know I will be guilty of thinking this way from time to time but I hope to be aware of it and stop myself.  Throughout this blog I plan to share what has worked best for my family :)

As my due date approached I was excited and still slightly in denial. Ask my friends - I would always say " I can't believe I'm having a baby." Why still in denial you ask? The reason - it was overwhelming knowing that my whole life was about to change. It's not like starting a new job or moving to a new state - these are things that effect (affect? I can never remember oh well) your life, but having a baby IS your life from the moment they enter the world. Humans are the most helpless species as newborns and they literally depend on you for everything they need. As a parent, you are their main influence and every decision you make directly effects that child. There is no more thinking in terms of "I" it will always be "we" or "us" from here on out. It's not that I thought I was incapable of raising a child or thought that I would have a hard time transitioning into the "we" frame of mind. I had been a babysitter and nanny for several years and have had a lot of experience with babies and children. But now this child would be mine, there's no giving them back.

I felt like I didn't have enough life experience and wasn't worldly enough yet. I was going to be his teacher, but did I know enough about life to be teaching my child valuable things? Was I ready to be challenged physically, emotionally, and mentally in ways that I've never experienced? Would I feel an instant connection to this tiny little person? Would I be a good parent overall? Maybe I shouldn't have worried so much - although it's probably the people that don't worry that usually turn out to be questionable parents.  

Despite all the time I spent worrying and preparing I knew I was ready. I was ready to meet my son and embrace my new life. I knew I'd be willing to do whatever it took to keep my baby safe, healthy and happy. It was a long and winding road and I was excited for my new journey. 

Two Lines

At some point in your life you think about your imaginary timeline. Most of us set goals within these timelines like "I'll meet my husband in college, marry him after college (by the time I'm 25), then maybe travel, and start settling down to have a family around 27-28. I'd like a baby before I'm 30 at least!" 

I think women are a little more guilty of having this imaginary timeline set before them - heavily stressed to us by society and other factors. Within that timeline you begin to fantasize about each of these events; being proposed to, your wedding day, and the day you find out you are pregnant. 

I suppose most women fantasize that the day they find out they are pregnant  it will be glorious and wondrous. Husband and wife had been planning and waiting all their lives and everything had been building up to this moment and when they see those two lines or a plus or whatever - they jump up and down, hug and kiss each other and life couldn't get any better than this moment. In my fantasy, this is exactly how I imagined it.

It's funny how life works out. This is our pregnancy story... probably not something that TLC would ever care about....

(Warning: if you can't handle words like uterus, nipples, etc you should probably stop reading my blog now - because I tell it like it is and we are all adults, right?) :)

Let's go back to the aforementioned story of how I needed health insurance and married my husband in order to expedite being seen by the doctor. For a couple of months prior to getting married I was having excruciating cramps that were completely debilitating. The first time it happened we went to the immediate care because I felt like I was dying. They couldn't do anything for me.  I typically don't get cramps and have never had any problems with any of my internal organs so it was quite alarming. I deduced (with my health background) that I was suffering symptoms of Endometriosis. For those of you who do not know what this is - it is a condition where cells from the lining of the uterus grow in other areas of the body. In some cases it can be so severe that it inhibits the ability to get pregnant (among many other issues). I spoke to my GP about it and he agreed that it did indeed sound like a classic case of endo - his wife is an OB after all. Andy and I planned on having children (eventually) and wanted to nip it in the bud now if in fact I did have endo. 

I knew I had to be seen by my gynecologist and my annual exam was coming up in April anyway which worked out quite nicely because I had health insurance as of March 25th. So I made my appointment for the third week in April, exactly one year from my last appointment.  Now this might be a little TMI but oh well - so the week prior to my appointment I had my monthly visitor which meant that on Sunday I could start my new birth control pill pack. It just so happened that my prescription ran out and normally I would call the doc and say "Oh, hey, I'm coming to see you this week can I please have a month refill to hold me over since you are going to write me a new Rx when I see you anyway? K, thanks, bye." Then I would have picked up said pills and taken them every day at the same time just as I had been doing for the past ten years. But I didn't do this because I thought "well maybe there's a possibility that he might switch my pill and put me on a different dosage of estrogen due to the endo and I'd rather not start something and then have to switch and really mess with my body." Apparently mother nature had other plans for me. 

So comes my appointment and my doctor said that he's not concerned at this time about it. He said I have slight endo but it doesn't sound severe enough to render any ultrasounds or prescription change. I would be in a lot more pain more often. If it got worse makes sure to give him a call and we will revisit. He sent me on my merry way with my new Rx refill in hand and off I went. (P.S. Pregnancy cures endo!)

For the next month I took my pill at the same time every day as instructed - as I had been doing for the past ten years. Then it came to the week I was supposed to be getting my monthly visitor once again. I worked a ton of hours that week and was utterly exhausted so naturally when I tell Andy that my visitor had not come he attributed it to stress. But I knew my body and something wasn't right. The girl I was training that week even said, " Could you be pregnant?" I was like, "pshh no! I've taken my pill all month!"

By Friday of that week I was seriously not convinced that stress was the culprit and I purchased a three pack of pregnancy tests. Upon waking and using the bathroom on Saturday, May 21st this is what I saw:

At first glance one might not even notice a second line, but it was there, however faint. I brought it over to Andy to investigate because surely there couldn't be TWO lines. Maybe the ink or whatever leaked over and it just LOOKS like two lines - yeah that had to be it, right!?? Wrong. Andy confirms he sees two lines so immediately I Googled it because I was expecting two DARK lines, not one dark and one almost nonexistent. Sure enough, everything I read said "Two lines no matter how dark or faint is still two lines, congrats! You are pregnant!"

The details of what happened next are still fuzzy to me because I partially blacked out - I think. I went upstairs and told Andy that everything on Google confirmed it is two lines and two lines equals pregnant. I'm not sure I even gave him a chance to say anything I just remember bursting into tears. These were not happy tears. Andy says I babbled in between tears and gasps about not being ready, not wanting to be a mom yet, we just got married, we had no money,etc. He calmed me down and assured me that it would be ok. He's great like that - he was excited and he knew we would make things work.  

After I calmed down and joined the world of the conscious again, I felt only one emotion - guilt. How could I be so upset at being pregnant when this was supposed to be a joyous occasion? How could I be so upset that I just created another life with the love of my life?? Why did I have to be pregnant when I knew (several) people at the time who had recently miscarried and wanted nothing more than to be with child? 

At the time I would be too embarrassed to admit that I felt guilty for fear that I'd be judged, but it's true,  I did and I got over it. I felt irresponsible too, because I wasn't in a place financially to be having a child. I wasn't even close to having the type of job I dreamed of and I hadn't even had the chance to be a wife for very long. I had just practically finished dispelling rumors that I was already pregnant because apparently people can't get married in a courthouse without being pregnant! ( I can't count how many people asked if I was when we got married, seriously!?) 

I share this very real and honest side of my pregnancy story with you because I feel as though people want to desperately perceive life as stereotypically perfect. Perfect house, perfect marriage, perfect job, you get the idea. I totally bought into this mentality more than a few times (and I still do without realizing, thanks society!) but in reality, life isn't perfect. We all need a reminder sometimes.

As much as I would have loved to experience the day-you-find-out-you-are-pregnant fantasy mentioned earlier, it didn't happen that way and wasn't meant to and I'm ok with that. It took a little while for me to feel truly happy about being pregnant. It was all so overwhelming. 

My feelings of guilt and irresponsibility diminished the day I first saw the little life I had growing inside me. There's literally nothing like that feeling you get when you first see your baby. Nothing.

And so begins another love story...

Love & Marriage

I feel as though a little background is necessary for the introduction to this blog so I will begin with the story of my husband, Andy, and I, in case you don't already know it. Warning - very lengthy :)

Andy and I officially met in August 2009 at my cousin's "Welcome Home from Afghanistan" party. I say "officially" because he knew who I was for several years (he graduated high school with one of my cousins and was friends with the other cousin), however, I had never known who he was. My cousin and I also worked together at the local grocery store and Andy came into the store often to either pick up my cousin or go through my line. So essentially, Andy and I crossed each other's paths many many times without even realizing! I suppose it's not likely that we would have realized that we were destined to be together despite all these interactions because he is almost 7 years older than I am. That would have been really awkward when I was 12 and he was 19. Ha! 

Anyway, Andy and I chatted at the party for quite some time. He was so incredibly interested in everything I had to say - which, let's face it, many guys don't actually listen and ask questions. They are usually too busy checking things out if you know what I mean. I had kissed too many frogs prior to meeting Andy and honestly I assumed he was just another frog. But there was something about him, something different, and I couldn't quite pinpoint what that was. I wasn't really mentally ready to "meet someone" as I had just gotten out of a relationship and had just lost my job the week prior. So when it was time to leave we said "nice to meet you" and went our separate ways. 

It wasn't until December that I heard from Andy again. Apparently I had some sad Facebook statuses around that time and Andy would occasionally provide words of encouragement. I thought nothing of it. Then one day he sent me a message asking if I'd be interested in going out sometime. I agreed to but I didn't think too much into it because I was recently considering moving back to Virginia (where my mom lives). I wasn't having any luck looking for a full time job and nothing else made me want to stay in Illinois. We went out for dinner on December 29th at On the Border ( the original plan was sushi but I got off work too late and it was closing). Needless to say, we talked and laughed all night. From that day on we practically spent every day together. He made amazing vegetarian dinners for me, always drove out to see me, sent me flowers, brought me to the Lady Gaga concert for my 25th birthday (a week into seeing each other) and made me laugh constantly.

 

After dating for about a month or so I knew my days of frog kissing were over.  I had finally found my prince! I decided not to move back to Virginia and we moved in together 6 months later. 

In September 2010, Andy and I were spending a Sunday afternoon riding our bikes and started to discuss marriage. We had this discussion many times before and it was actually kind of humorous at this point. Andy had been married before and had been through it all once before and always made the point that women should start asking men to marry them - of course I disagreed. I wasn't sure why I disagreed, it just didn't "seem right." Woman aren't supposed to do that! We have to sit up in our castle and wait for our Prince Charming to come rescue us and ask for our hand in marriage, right?? 

This conversation continued all day until we were waiting for our sushi take out order. I wasn't going to budge on my opinion of the matter. But the more I thought about it, I realized he was right. What's so wrong with the woman asking? Yes it's unconventional, but should it matter in the grand scheme of things when two people are in love and want to spend their lives together?? So in the middle of the conversation I turned to Andy and said "Will you marry me?" Immediately he smiled and said "YES!" 

I'm not sure what I expected to happen at this point. Especially since he responded so quickly and enthusiastically.  I did ask and he said yes, right?? We laughed about it over sushi and decided it was official. We didn't have rings but those were just material promises, anyway. To make things even more unconventional, Andy decided he was going to make our rings. People thought we were crazy, but we didn't care! We wanted to have a small beach wedding and a lengthy honeymoon sometime within the next year or so - but even our wedding proved to be unconventional. 

During the time of our engagement Andy had lost his job and was unemployed for about four months making it impossible for us to save money for our wedding. His employer also fought the unemployment and won. In addition, I was having some health issues and without health insurance, the bills from the immediate care center made it even more impossible to save. 

Luckily, Andy got a job at the end of January and was eligible for insurance after 30 days of employment. We joked and teased about getting married for the health insurance but didn't put too much stock into it. 

It wasn't until (I think it was Andy's mom) that suggested we get married at the courthouse because I needed to be seen by the doctor without breaking our nonexistent bank. We thought about it and decided it would be best to get married at the courthouse and then continue to save for a beach wedding hopefully in the following year. We decided to get married on March 25, 2011 and have a reception sometime in the summer. 

A few days before our wedding, Andy finished our rings. He sent me on a scavenger hunt throughout the house one night when I came home from work and proposed to me with the ring. It was so sweet and creative. 

I decided to wear a dress that I already owned to get married in and did my own hair and makeup. I hadn't planned on getting flowers but my mother in law to be surprised me with a beautiful bouquet! We were joined by my dad and his wife and also Andy's parents and brother. Since we made the decision to get married on such short notice, my mom and brother were unable to make it, but I figured that it would be okay since we were planning on a beach wedding sometime in the near future anyway. 

                                 The judge said we had the best kiss she's ever seen :)

We had dinner with our parents after the wedding and on our way home Andy decided to drive around town for some reason. I was exhausted and couldn't figure out why we needed to drive around and tour his old neighborhood. By the time we got back to our house I realized it was because he was stalling. Andy planned a surprise reception for me at our house with some of our friends and family members, it was perfect! Andy's family members decorated our house while we were away. Once again, it was perfect. 

He wanted me to feel like a bride since our whole experience was already so unconventional and it meant so much to me. He even had a cake made for the occasion with a beach theme and ordered a special cake topper. It's hard to see, but the groom is grabbing the bride's butt!

        And like any other wedding cake, we both ended up wearing it all over our faces. 

So that's the story of our little unconventional fairy tale. Once again, people thought we were crazy but in reality the end result was the same as any conventional way of getting married. We are just two people in love who want to get married. It didn't matter how or where we tied the knot, we made a pledge to each other and that's how it should be.