Two Lines

At some point in your life you think about your imaginary timeline. Most of us set goals within these timelines like "I'll meet my husband in college, marry him after college (by the time I'm 25), then maybe travel, and start settling down to have a family around 27-28. I'd like a baby before I'm 30 at least!" 

I think women are a little more guilty of having this imaginary timeline set before them - heavily stressed to us by society and other factors. Within that timeline you begin to fantasize about each of these events; being proposed to, your wedding day, and the day you find out you are pregnant. 

I suppose most women fantasize that the day they find out they are pregnant  it will be glorious and wondrous. Husband and wife had been planning and waiting all their lives and everything had been building up to this moment and when they see those two lines or a plus or whatever - they jump up and down, hug and kiss each other and life couldn't get any better than this moment. In my fantasy, this is exactly how I imagined it.

It's funny how life works out. This is our pregnancy story... probably not something that TLC would ever care about....

(Warning: if you can't handle words like uterus, nipples, etc you should probably stop reading my blog now - because I tell it like it is and we are all adults, right?) :)

Let's go back to the aforementioned story of how I needed health insurance and married my husband in order to expedite being seen by the doctor. For a couple of months prior to getting married I was having excruciating cramps that were completely debilitating. The first time it happened we went to the immediate care because I felt like I was dying. They couldn't do anything for me.  I typically don't get cramps and have never had any problems with any of my internal organs so it was quite alarming. I deduced (with my health background) that I was suffering symptoms of Endometriosis. For those of you who do not know what this is - it is a condition where cells from the lining of the uterus grow in other areas of the body. In some cases it can be so severe that it inhibits the ability to get pregnant (among many other issues). I spoke to my GP about it and he agreed that it did indeed sound like a classic case of endo - his wife is an OB after all. Andy and I planned on having children (eventually) and wanted to nip it in the bud now if in fact I did have endo. 

I knew I had to be seen by my gynecologist and my annual exam was coming up in April anyway which worked out quite nicely because I had health insurance as of March 25th. So I made my appointment for the third week in April, exactly one year from my last appointment.  Now this might be a little TMI but oh well - so the week prior to my appointment I had my monthly visitor which meant that on Sunday I could start my new birth control pill pack. It just so happened that my prescription ran out and normally I would call the doc and say "Oh, hey, I'm coming to see you this week can I please have a month refill to hold me over since you are going to write me a new Rx when I see you anyway? K, thanks, bye." Then I would have picked up said pills and taken them every day at the same time just as I had been doing for the past ten years. But I didn't do this because I thought "well maybe there's a possibility that he might switch my pill and put me on a different dosage of estrogen due to the endo and I'd rather not start something and then have to switch and really mess with my body." Apparently mother nature had other plans for me. 

So comes my appointment and my doctor said that he's not concerned at this time about it. He said I have slight endo but it doesn't sound severe enough to render any ultrasounds or prescription change. I would be in a lot more pain more often. If it got worse makes sure to give him a call and we will revisit. He sent me on my merry way with my new Rx refill in hand and off I went. (P.S. Pregnancy cures endo!)

For the next month I took my pill at the same time every day as instructed - as I had been doing for the past ten years. Then it came to the week I was supposed to be getting my monthly visitor once again. I worked a ton of hours that week and was utterly exhausted so naturally when I tell Andy that my visitor had not come he attributed it to stress. But I knew my body and something wasn't right. The girl I was training that week even said, " Could you be pregnant?" I was like, "pshh no! I've taken my pill all month!"

By Friday of that week I was seriously not convinced that stress was the culprit and I purchased a three pack of pregnancy tests. Upon waking and using the bathroom on Saturday, May 21st this is what I saw:

At first glance one might not even notice a second line, but it was there, however faint. I brought it over to Andy to investigate because surely there couldn't be TWO lines. Maybe the ink or whatever leaked over and it just LOOKS like two lines - yeah that had to be it, right!?? Wrong. Andy confirms he sees two lines so immediately I Googled it because I was expecting two DARK lines, not one dark and one almost nonexistent. Sure enough, everything I read said "Two lines no matter how dark or faint is still two lines, congrats! You are pregnant!"

The details of what happened next are still fuzzy to me because I partially blacked out - I think. I went upstairs and told Andy that everything on Google confirmed it is two lines and two lines equals pregnant. I'm not sure I even gave him a chance to say anything I just remember bursting into tears. These were not happy tears. Andy says I babbled in between tears and gasps about not being ready, not wanting to be a mom yet, we just got married, we had no money,etc. He calmed me down and assured me that it would be ok. He's great like that - he was excited and he knew we would make things work.  

After I calmed down and joined the world of the conscious again, I felt only one emotion - guilt. How could I be so upset at being pregnant when this was supposed to be a joyous occasion? How could I be so upset that I just created another life with the love of my life?? Why did I have to be pregnant when I knew (several) people at the time who had recently miscarried and wanted nothing more than to be with child? 

At the time I would be too embarrassed to admit that I felt guilty for fear that I'd be judged, but it's true,  I did and I got over it. I felt irresponsible too, because I wasn't in a place financially to be having a child. I wasn't even close to having the type of job I dreamed of and I hadn't even had the chance to be a wife for very long. I had just practically finished dispelling rumors that I was already pregnant because apparently people can't get married in a courthouse without being pregnant! ( I can't count how many people asked if I was when we got married, seriously!?) 

I share this very real and honest side of my pregnancy story with you because I feel as though people want to desperately perceive life as stereotypically perfect. Perfect house, perfect marriage, perfect job, you get the idea. I totally bought into this mentality more than a few times (and I still do without realizing, thanks society!) but in reality, life isn't perfect. We all need a reminder sometimes.

As much as I would have loved to experience the day-you-find-out-you-are-pregnant fantasy mentioned earlier, it didn't happen that way and wasn't meant to and I'm ok with that. It took a little while for me to feel truly happy about being pregnant. It was all so overwhelming. 

My feelings of guilt and irresponsibility diminished the day I first saw the little life I had growing inside me. There's literally nothing like that feeling you get when you first see your baby. Nothing.

And so begins another love story...