Two Lines

At some point in your life you think about your imaginary timeline. Most of us set goals within these timelines like "I'll meet my husband in college, marry him after college (by the time I'm 25), then maybe travel, and start settling down to have a family around 27-28. I'd like a baby before I'm 30 at least!" 

I think women are a little more guilty of having this imaginary timeline set before them - heavily stressed to us by society and other factors. Within that timeline you begin to fantasize about each of these events; being proposed to, your wedding day, and the day you find out you are pregnant. 

I suppose most women fantasize that the day they find out they are pregnant  it will be glorious and wondrous. Husband and wife had been planning and waiting all their lives and everything had been building up to this moment and when they see those two lines or a plus or whatever - they jump up and down, hug and kiss each other and life couldn't get any better than this moment. In my fantasy, this is exactly how I imagined it.

It's funny how life works out. This is our pregnancy story... probably not something that TLC would ever care about....

(Warning: if you can't handle words like uterus, nipples, etc you should probably stop reading my blog now - because I tell it like it is and we are all adults, right?) :)

Let's go back to the aforementioned story of how I needed health insurance and married my husband in order to expedite being seen by the doctor. For a couple of months prior to getting married I was having excruciating cramps that were completely debilitating. The first time it happened we went to the immediate care because I felt like I was dying. They couldn't do anything for me.  I typically don't get cramps and have never had any problems with any of my internal organs so it was quite alarming. I deduced (with my health background) that I was suffering symptoms of Endometriosis. For those of you who do not know what this is - it is a condition where cells from the lining of the uterus grow in other areas of the body. In some cases it can be so severe that it inhibits the ability to get pregnant (among many other issues). I spoke to my GP about it and he agreed that it did indeed sound like a classic case of endo - his wife is an OB after all. Andy and I planned on having children (eventually) and wanted to nip it in the bud now if in fact I did have endo. 

I knew I had to be seen by my gynecologist and my annual exam was coming up in April anyway which worked out quite nicely because I had health insurance as of March 25th. So I made my appointment for the third week in April, exactly one year from my last appointment.  Now this might be a little TMI but oh well - so the week prior to my appointment I had my monthly visitor which meant that on Sunday I could start my new birth control pill pack. It just so happened that my prescription ran out and normally I would call the doc and say "Oh, hey, I'm coming to see you this week can I please have a month refill to hold me over since you are going to write me a new Rx when I see you anyway? K, thanks, bye." Then I would have picked up said pills and taken them every day at the same time just as I had been doing for the past ten years. But I didn't do this because I thought "well maybe there's a possibility that he might switch my pill and put me on a different dosage of estrogen due to the endo and I'd rather not start something and then have to switch and really mess with my body." Apparently mother nature had other plans for me. 

So comes my appointment and my doctor said that he's not concerned at this time about it. He said I have slight endo but it doesn't sound severe enough to render any ultrasounds or prescription change. I would be in a lot more pain more often. If it got worse makes sure to give him a call and we will revisit. He sent me on my merry way with my new Rx refill in hand and off I went. (P.S. Pregnancy cures endo!)

For the next month I took my pill at the same time every day as instructed - as I had been doing for the past ten years. Then it came to the week I was supposed to be getting my monthly visitor once again. I worked a ton of hours that week and was utterly exhausted so naturally when I tell Andy that my visitor had not come he attributed it to stress. But I knew my body and something wasn't right. The girl I was training that week even said, " Could you be pregnant?" I was like, "pshh no! I've taken my pill all month!"

By Friday of that week I was seriously not convinced that stress was the culprit and I purchased a three pack of pregnancy tests. Upon waking and using the bathroom on Saturday, May 21st this is what I saw:

At first glance one might not even notice a second line, but it was there, however faint. I brought it over to Andy to investigate because surely there couldn't be TWO lines. Maybe the ink or whatever leaked over and it just LOOKS like two lines - yeah that had to be it, right!?? Wrong. Andy confirms he sees two lines so immediately I Googled it because I was expecting two DARK lines, not one dark and one almost nonexistent. Sure enough, everything I read said "Two lines no matter how dark or faint is still two lines, congrats! You are pregnant!"

The details of what happened next are still fuzzy to me because I partially blacked out - I think. I went upstairs and told Andy that everything on Google confirmed it is two lines and two lines equals pregnant. I'm not sure I even gave him a chance to say anything I just remember bursting into tears. These were not happy tears. Andy says I babbled in between tears and gasps about not being ready, not wanting to be a mom yet, we just got married, we had no money,etc. He calmed me down and assured me that it would be ok. He's great like that - he was excited and he knew we would make things work.  

After I calmed down and joined the world of the conscious again, I felt only one emotion - guilt. How could I be so upset at being pregnant when this was supposed to be a joyous occasion? How could I be so upset that I just created another life with the love of my life?? Why did I have to be pregnant when I knew (several) people at the time who had recently miscarried and wanted nothing more than to be with child? 

At the time I would be too embarrassed to admit that I felt guilty for fear that I'd be judged, but it's true,  I did and I got over it. I felt irresponsible too, because I wasn't in a place financially to be having a child. I wasn't even close to having the type of job I dreamed of and I hadn't even had the chance to be a wife for very long. I had just practically finished dispelling rumors that I was already pregnant because apparently people can't get married in a courthouse without being pregnant! ( I can't count how many people asked if I was when we got married, seriously!?) 

I share this very real and honest side of my pregnancy story with you because I feel as though people want to desperately perceive life as stereotypically perfect. Perfect house, perfect marriage, perfect job, you get the idea. I totally bought into this mentality more than a few times (and I still do without realizing, thanks society!) but in reality, life isn't perfect. We all need a reminder sometimes.

As much as I would have loved to experience the day-you-find-out-you-are-pregnant fantasy mentioned earlier, it didn't happen that way and wasn't meant to and I'm ok with that. It took a little while for me to feel truly happy about being pregnant. It was all so overwhelming. 

My feelings of guilt and irresponsibility diminished the day I first saw the little life I had growing inside me. There's literally nothing like that feeling you get when you first see your baby. Nothing.

And so begins another love story...

Love & Marriage

I feel as though a little background is necessary for the introduction to this blog so I will begin with the story of my husband, Andy, and I, in case you don't already know it. Warning - very lengthy :)

Andy and I officially met in August 2009 at my cousin's "Welcome Home from Afghanistan" party. I say "officially" because he knew who I was for several years (he graduated high school with one of my cousins and was friends with the other cousin), however, I had never known who he was. My cousin and I also worked together at the local grocery store and Andy came into the store often to either pick up my cousin or go through my line. So essentially, Andy and I crossed each other's paths many many times without even realizing! I suppose it's not likely that we would have realized that we were destined to be together despite all these interactions because he is almost 7 years older than I am. That would have been really awkward when I was 12 and he was 19. Ha! 

Anyway, Andy and I chatted at the party for quite some time. He was so incredibly interested in everything I had to say - which, let's face it, many guys don't actually listen and ask questions. They are usually too busy checking things out if you know what I mean. I had kissed too many frogs prior to meeting Andy and honestly I assumed he was just another frog. But there was something about him, something different, and I couldn't quite pinpoint what that was. I wasn't really mentally ready to "meet someone" as I had just gotten out of a relationship and had just lost my job the week prior. So when it was time to leave we said "nice to meet you" and went our separate ways. 

It wasn't until December that I heard from Andy again. Apparently I had some sad Facebook statuses around that time and Andy would occasionally provide words of encouragement. I thought nothing of it. Then one day he sent me a message asking if I'd be interested in going out sometime. I agreed to but I didn't think too much into it because I was recently considering moving back to Virginia (where my mom lives). I wasn't having any luck looking for a full time job and nothing else made me want to stay in Illinois. We went out for dinner on December 29th at On the Border ( the original plan was sushi but I got off work too late and it was closing). Needless to say, we talked and laughed all night. From that day on we practically spent every day together. He made amazing vegetarian dinners for me, always drove out to see me, sent me flowers, brought me to the Lady Gaga concert for my 25th birthday (a week into seeing each other) and made me laugh constantly.

 

After dating for about a month or so I knew my days of frog kissing were over.  I had finally found my prince! I decided not to move back to Virginia and we moved in together 6 months later. 

In September 2010, Andy and I were spending a Sunday afternoon riding our bikes and started to discuss marriage. We had this discussion many times before and it was actually kind of humorous at this point. Andy had been married before and had been through it all once before and always made the point that women should start asking men to marry them - of course I disagreed. I wasn't sure why I disagreed, it just didn't "seem right." Woman aren't supposed to do that! We have to sit up in our castle and wait for our Prince Charming to come rescue us and ask for our hand in marriage, right?? 

This conversation continued all day until we were waiting for our sushi take out order. I wasn't going to budge on my opinion of the matter. But the more I thought about it, I realized he was right. What's so wrong with the woman asking? Yes it's unconventional, but should it matter in the grand scheme of things when two people are in love and want to spend their lives together?? So in the middle of the conversation I turned to Andy and said "Will you marry me?" Immediately he smiled and said "YES!" 

I'm not sure what I expected to happen at this point. Especially since he responded so quickly and enthusiastically.  I did ask and he said yes, right?? We laughed about it over sushi and decided it was official. We didn't have rings but those were just material promises, anyway. To make things even more unconventional, Andy decided he was going to make our rings. People thought we were crazy, but we didn't care! We wanted to have a small beach wedding and a lengthy honeymoon sometime within the next year or so - but even our wedding proved to be unconventional. 

During the time of our engagement Andy had lost his job and was unemployed for about four months making it impossible for us to save money for our wedding. His employer also fought the unemployment and won. In addition, I was having some health issues and without health insurance, the bills from the immediate care center made it even more impossible to save. 

Luckily, Andy got a job at the end of January and was eligible for insurance after 30 days of employment. We joked and teased about getting married for the health insurance but didn't put too much stock into it. 

It wasn't until (I think it was Andy's mom) that suggested we get married at the courthouse because I needed to be seen by the doctor without breaking our nonexistent bank. We thought about it and decided it would be best to get married at the courthouse and then continue to save for a beach wedding hopefully in the following year. We decided to get married on March 25, 2011 and have a reception sometime in the summer. 

A few days before our wedding, Andy finished our rings. He sent me on a scavenger hunt throughout the house one night when I came home from work and proposed to me with the ring. It was so sweet and creative. 

I decided to wear a dress that I already owned to get married in and did my own hair and makeup. I hadn't planned on getting flowers but my mother in law to be surprised me with a beautiful bouquet! We were joined by my dad and his wife and also Andy's parents and brother. Since we made the decision to get married on such short notice, my mom and brother were unable to make it, but I figured that it would be okay since we were planning on a beach wedding sometime in the near future anyway. 

                                 The judge said we had the best kiss she's ever seen :)

We had dinner with our parents after the wedding and on our way home Andy decided to drive around town for some reason. I was exhausted and couldn't figure out why we needed to drive around and tour his old neighborhood. By the time we got back to our house I realized it was because he was stalling. Andy planned a surprise reception for me at our house with some of our friends and family members, it was perfect! Andy's family members decorated our house while we were away. Once again, it was perfect. 

He wanted me to feel like a bride since our whole experience was already so unconventional and it meant so much to me. He even had a cake made for the occasion with a beach theme and ordered a special cake topper. It's hard to see, but the groom is grabbing the bride's butt!

        And like any other wedding cake, we both ended up wearing it all over our faces. 

So that's the story of our little unconventional fairy tale. Once again, people thought we were crazy but in reality the end result was the same as any conventional way of getting married. We are just two people in love who want to get married. It didn't matter how or where we tied the knot, we made a pledge to each other and that's how it should be. 

Beginnings

Well, here goes! I am creating this blog in order to keep family members and friends, near and far, updated on the life and times of me and my little family. As a new mom, I am learning so much about myself while simultaneously watching/teaching my little hippo learn about the world around him. It's been quite an adventure so far and I can't wait to see where life takes us. Enjoy!